Emo Suicide! The 15 Best, Alternative Ways To Kill Yourself.

1. Gas yourself to death with Mother's hairspray. If she tries to stop you halfway through, spray it directly into her face and continue on as normal.


2. Go outside and find a large rock. Now run a hot bath. Bring the rock with you into the bath and use it as a sponge. Don't stop until all of your skin's been eroded (you'll lose consciousness a long time before this point).


3. Turn up at a Nazi meeting, dressed as your grandmother, draped in an Israeli flag. Make a pass at the first skinhead you see. If he doesn't acknowledge you, dance over to his genitals and kiss him on the balls.


4. Go on a hunger strike and lock yourself in the cupboard. If anyone tries to rescue you, threaten to ring the police.


5. Visit your local zoo, strip naked, scale the fencing to the tiger enclosure and go for a piggy back on the alpha male.


6. Go and see Coldplay play. Your heart is bound to stop from abject misery 20 minutes into the set. Even before they get to 'Yellow'.


7. Lie on the freeway with a massive notice by you with the message 'The first person to run me over, wins $20,000". Be sure to write down your parent's phone number down, clearly in big characters.


8. Arrange a meetup with ANYONE from Dark Starlings. The member-base is solely comprised of serial killers and cock-doctors.


9. Run into your nearest military base draped in the Iraq flag. If this doesn't get you shot, ask for the sergeant and call him an unpatriotic, commie, horse lover.


10. Fly to Tennessee with your girlfriend/boyfriend, enter a bar and announce that your lover isn't a relative.


11. Buy a bottle of vodka, pour all it into a tall container, break the bottle over your own head and pour all of the broken glass and blood into the vodka. Drink and bleed until the lights go out.


12. Eat at McDonalds for a year, crap into a black bag and at the end of it all, ingest the contents of the bag. If your body hasn't already went into toxic shock after 6 months of the diet, you are Satan and therefore invincible. I recommend placing the bag over your head, travelling down to Houston, Texas, once there announcing you're the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.


13. Arrange for Michael Moore to squat and fart on your face.


14. Join the US military before the troops withdraw from Iraq. You've got to be quick as this is imminent! Once you make it out to Iraq, dress up as the Statue of Liberty and stand as still as possible just like one of those street performers. Ask one of your colleagues to write "If Allah was real, you'd shoot me in the balls!" in capital letters (preferably in Iraqi).


15. Clean your asshole with a hedgehog twice a day for a year. Beware, this is a slowwww, painful way to die.